Today I want to talk about superficial love. It’s amazing to me how many people believe things equate to love. Don’t get me wrong, gifts are nice but they don’t make your partner’s love real. I would much rather have someone that truly loves me for the person that I am than to receive expensive gifts and be treated with a lack of love, respect, support and adoration. I am what they call a modern day woman. I have a successful career and my own money, so that means I can buy my own things. What I desire in a relationship, goes way beyond shiny things. I was in a relationship where my partner brought me gifts randomly. I appreciated his gestures, especially since I told him the same thing that I just stated here. I interpreted his gift giving as a way for him to express his feelings for me, however I was wrong. It turns out he was giving me gifts but didn’t respect me as a person. He didn’t appreciate my quirky, corny personality. He didn’t accept my unique way of thinking. He never wanted to compromise in order for us both to be happy. At the end of the day, all of his gifts meant absolutely nothing. I learned a valuable lesson from this experience. I would rather receive real love from my partner over extravagant gifts. At this point in my life, I am not open to a superficial love. I want the real thing.
I was reading this article on elitedaily.com by Candice Jalili. It had 12 tips that will help you have a good relationship. I want to blog about a few of these. The first tip is you must communicate. I totally agree with this point. You must be able to communicate in a healthy and productive way. The communication in a relationship can’t be one-sided and it has to be done in a way that is effective. When people asked my parents, how they sustained their marriage, they stated the second tip, never stop dating each other. Continuing to treat your partner like you did when you were courting them, keeps the spark in the relationship. It makes them feel special and wanted. The third tip is recommit yourself to your partner daily. Make sure you are consistently taking out time for your partner. You need to listen to their concerns, desires and needs. Have fun with them and try new challenges together. This one is an important one. Know how to fight without feeling attacked. It is actually healthier to disagree with your partner than to agree with them all the time. You are two different people, but you need strategies in place to handle your disagreements in a healthy way. This goes hand and hand with knowing how to communicate. The last one that I want to talk about is finding someone that you are compatible with. Oftentimes we get into relationships for the wrong reasons. You can be physically attracted to someone but not be compatible with them in all of the other areas in your relationship. Physical attraction is not enough to sustain a relationship.
I refer to my mother in my blogs often, but tonight I want to talk about my father. I am definitely a daddy’s girl, but unfortunately my father passed away when I was 14 years old. He was only 49. It was one of the most devastating things that happened in my life. My father was definitely a great husband to my mother and an awesome father to his children. He was a great example of how a man should treat a woman. He was a provider, protector, a man of character and a great friend. He gave the greatest advice and he always encouraged me to follow my dreams. He taught me not to give up. I didn’t not end up with a man like my father, but it wasn’t because I didn’t have a great example of how I should be treated. I know that I lost my father too soon. I always think about how my life would have turned out if my father would not have died at such a young age. He was so easy to talk to and everybody loved him. I wish he could have been around to grill the men that came in my life. He would have been able to help me weed out the duds. It would have been nice to have him walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I am 42 years old and I still miss him so much. I will forever be a daddy’s girl and he will forever be in my heart.
I went to a virtual Women’s Conference this week and it really helped me to do some self-reflection. I was always the person that was trying to help others, especially in their relationships. I was always telling my friends and family members that they deserved better when it came to who they were in relationships with. I grew up in a household with two parents who loved each other fiercely, but all around me I saw broken relationships. I saw close friends and family members getting physically and emotionally abused. That did something to me. I didn’t like it at all. I would encourage people in my circle to get out of these situations. I couldn’t understand why they remained with people who treated them poorly. I was often frustrated because they didn’t take my advice, but then I became one of them. I found myself in relationships that were also unhealthy. I didn’t realize how bad the relationships were at first. I now had people in my life telling me to leave these relationships or I was busy hiding the pain so I wouldn’t have to hear their opinions. I found it hard to free myself from such dysfunction that I had grown accustomed to. It was so easy for me to tell others to get out of relationships that were not healthy for them, yet I remained in unhealthy relationships myself. This taught me a valuable lesson. It is better to support and encourage those who need my help realizing that they are in a bad situation. When they are ready to make a move I will be there, because I now know it is “easier said than done”.
Self-confidence is very important but it is no small feat. I grew up in a home where my parents treated everyone of their children with love. They encouraged and supported us in all of our endeavors. They didn’t show favoritism. We grew up knowing that they were proud of us. Even with all of that, I still ended up having to work daily on my self-confidence. I had the foundation, but I felt insecure about differences that I had compared to the other children. I had a darker complexion than the other three children. My parents taught us that all skin colors were beautiful but I knew that other people didn’t think that was the case. In school all of the lighter skinned girls got all of the attention. I had grown-ups associated with our family, refer to me as the little dark one. This made me feel like my darker skin was a bad thing. I would tell people that I am cute, but my sister is the pretty one because she had lighter skin. These things were in the back of my mind as I grew older and then other insecurities started to surface. I only grew to be 5’1, so now not only was I darker than everyone else in my family, but I was also short. My teeth began to get crooked, so now I was ashamed of my once beautiful smile. I walked around feeling bad about myself and that was hindering me in my every day life. I realized that I needed to be confident in who I was no matter what. I had to appreciate and love the skin I was I in. I had to accept the fact that I was short and use it to my advantage. I also realized, I could fix my smile. So I did. I can now honestly say that I have confidence. I love who I am. I don’t worry if people accept me or not. Those who should be in my life, will accept me and those who don’t accept me, won’t be in my life. So my advice is to always be confident in who your are. Love yourself no matter what. Accept your flaws, even if you can’t change them. Once you do this, you will attract the right people in your life and the right doors with open up for you.
Today is Mother’s Day. I am mother, but this day is not a happy day for me, because I lost my own mother. She was only 60 years old when she succumbed to her battle with breast cancer. I tried my best to show her that I loved her and cherished her every day that she was on this earth with me. My mother was my best friend. I knew that if I didn’t have anybody else in my corner, she was there. I miss her every day, but on days like today it is especially hard. I wish I could see her one more time. I wish I could give her one last hug and one last kiss. She truly meant the world to me. So, cherish your mother every day that they are still on this earth. Don’t let Mother’s day be the only day that your mother knows that you care. When they are gone they can’t be replaced and you can never get back any time that you lost. Once that time comes it wouldn’t matter how many posts you put on Facebook. They will never see them. Cherish your mother while you still can, you won’t regret it.
I am the type of person that don’t like to give up on anything. That fact trickles down into my relationships. I find myself going through turmoil over and over and not just in romantic relationships. So how do you determine when enough is enough? In my last romantic relationship, I really did not want to give up, especially after being divorced. I was always trying to see the good in the relationship. I felt like some of the things I was going through weren’t nearly as bad as some of the things I had already gone through. I overlooked a lot of red flags that I should have acknowledged. Don’t get me wrong. We had some good times, even some great times. I think that is one of reason that I was remaining in the relationship. I kept thinking the things that weren’t good were going to get better. We were growing closer in some areas of our relationship, but drifting apart in other areas of our relationships. I didn’t know how to end the relationship, even though I knew that our relationship was not moving in the right direction. The relationship didn’t end until we had a huge falling out. The relationship should have definitely ended before that but because I didn’t want another failed relationship I kept holding on. So again, I ask, how do you know when to call it quits? My personal opinion is, if you are having significantly more bad times than good times, it may be time to end the relationship. If you are not feeling happy in your relationship most of the time, then it may be time to end the relationship. If you no longer have anything to talk about with your partner, then it may be time to end the relationship. At the end the day it’s your call, but don’t let fear cause you not to end a healthy relationship, when you know it’s not good for you.
I will be the first to admit that I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in love and I celebrate it. I thought I found love during my last relationship but somewhere in the middle of it, I realized I was repeating the mistakes of my failed marriage. I started to feel like I was unable to be my authentic self, so I started to hide the parts of me that my partner didn’t like or accept. If I was upset by something that my partner did to me or said to me, I would shut down and be quiet instead of expressing my feelings. I thought if I spoke up, it would cause a bigger problem. That became my experience in the relationship. I was always taking the blame for everything that went wrong in my relationship. I kept trying to change myself to fit into the mold my partner had for me. These are all things that I did in my failed marriage over and over again. I have come to realize that I need to break these cycles that I get myself into. A healthy relationship is about compromise, communication and ownership from both people. As I mentioned in a previous post, I am far from ready to date again. I am taking the time to analyze myself to figure out why I keep repeating these cycles in relationships, so I can break them. If you ever want to have the relationship you deserve, you have to break the unhealthy cycles.
This is a subject that is very near and dear to my heart. I lost my father suddenly, when I was 14 years old. He was pretty young when he died. He was only 49 years old. My father raised me and my sister to know that we were loved by him and that we were special. When he brought my mother gifts on Valentine’s Day, he also brought something for my sister and I. He wanted us to know how our future husbands should be treating us. He was a very involved father, so when my sister started dating, he gave her boyfriend the “talk”. “The talk” didn’t intimidate my sister’s boyfriend but my father and her boyfriend actually became quite close. My father passed away before I was allowed to date, so none of my boyfriends got “the talk”.
I often think about the fact that my father wasn’t there to give any of my boyfriends “the talk”. I wonder, would I have married my ex-husband if my father was still alive? I was his baby girl and definitely valued his opinion. I trusted his instincts. If he said my ex-husband wasn’t the one, I believe I would have listened. My father was so influential to everyone around him. That makes me believed if did happen to approve of my ex-husband, he would have been able to have a positive influence on him.
As a woman, I definitely think that having your father in your life can influence and effect the success of your relationship. A father should be their daughter’s first example of how she should be treated in a relationship. A father that really loves his daughter plants the seeds in her of what is acceptable and what is not acceptable treatment.
The quarantine can be good for your relationship if you actually enjoy each other’s company. It can be a good time to reconnect with your partner especially if you both spend a lot of time working and attending to your children. It is a good time to get creative and rekindle the flame if it has burned out. I was on facebook and I saw the cutest post. One of my favorite couples, had a quarantined date night with a nice candlelight dinner. It looked like they were in a restaurant. They got really dressed up like they were going to an expensive restaurant. I loved seeing that, so in that case the quarantine is working for that couple’s relationship.
Now if you don’t get along with your partner, being in quarantine with them can just make things worse. I know for me, when I am not getting along with someone, being in close quarters with them just makes things worse. Everything they do seems to get on your nerves and the quarantine can make the walls seem like they are closing in on you.
I do believe being in quarantine can be good for your relationship, so take advantage of this time with your partner. Use this time to grow closer in love.