I often look back at my past relationships to see what they had in common. Where did I go wrong? How did I fail? I finally realize they all have the same common denominator. I failed to stand up for myself. I always put my significant other’s feelings ahead of my own. I did not want them to feel hurt or pain. I didn’t want them to be disappointed. I didn’t want them to doubt that I loved them. Meanwhile, I was getting hurt. I was feeling unheard. Sometimes I felt unloved. I was made to feel like my feelings were unimportant. I was convinced what I felt wasn’t valid or that I was over-reacting. I would allow them to say things to me that were hurtful. I stopped expressing how I was feeling to keep the peace in the relationships. I didn’t tell them I was uncomfortable with certain things that they wanted to do, I just went along with the program. I should have spoken up. I should have stood up for myself. If they didn’t care or want to hear and understand what I had to say, I should have walked away. In the end, I only hurt myself by not standing up for myself. Never be afraid to stand up for yourself. It’s not worth the pain and heartache that comes with not doing it.
I used to believe I needed closure in order to get over a relationship, but I no longer believe this. I always wanted to know what happened. I would ask myself questions, like what did I do to cause this relationship to end? What could I have done better? I would reach out to the person to get closure. Now I know it is a bad idea to reach out to any ex to get closure. That very act opens up the door for you to get back together and continue the unhealthy relationship. If you would have never tried to get closure then you would have been free from something that wasn’t good for you sooner. I learned that if I took the time to stop and think about it, I already had the answer I was desperately seeking. Often times a person’s actions will give you the answer. It becomes apparent that you are not the right one for them and they are not the right one for you. Instead of seeking closure, just completely let go of the relationship. It was unhealthy. It wasn’t what you deserved. It was hurting you. What more information do you need from the person that was hurting you? Just move on and be free of a bad situation.
I was in the same relationship for 18 years. Out of the 18 years that I was in that relationship, I was married for 9 of those years. The marriage was horrific and I finally found the courage to end it. I am not advocating for divorce but it was the best option for me. I was so broken that I never thought I would love again. I happened to stumble in love and I thought this was the perfect guy for me. After such a rocky marriage anyone would seem better than the husband I had, right? This guy said all the right things. He would tell me how beautiful I was, he would admire my intelligence and praise my ambition. He expressed that his only job was to make me feel like the prize that I was and that he would never hurt me. He exclaimed that he saw a future with me and could not imagine his life without me. He built me up and it was just what I needed at the time to feel good about myself.
As the relationship progressed, he began to express all the things that he didn’t like about me. It seemed like anything I did bothered him. He would misinterpret everything that I said to him. The things he admired about me ,when he first met me, now annoyed him. He thought I was too ambitious. He expressed I talked too much and should keep my opinions to myself. He started making unflattering comments about my weight and appearance. He made me feel small. He ended up being a totally different person than the one I originally met. He built me up and then he broke me. I wonder will I ever recover from being broken? With time and prayer I know I will.
The phrase “losing my religion” originated in the southern region of the United States. It means losing one’s temper or civility or feeling frustrated and desperate. Often times we find ourselves in situations that causes us to lose our religion, but is it worth it? This question is one that we should be asking ourselves on a regular basis, especially when it comes to our relationships. Certain people in our lives can become triggers and before we recognize what is going on we are losing our tempers. We are so frustrated we can’t even function. We end up acting out of character and saying things that should not be said. Words do hurt and once you say certain things you cannot repair the damage that they cause. It is best to remove yourself from the situation. It is better to not engage in conversations that will cause you to lose your temper and act out of character.
This also applies to romantic relationships. Some romantic relationships become so toxic that you are constantly engaged in confrontations. The toxicity can alter your personality to the point where you can’t even recognize yourself. If that is case, that relationship is definitely not worth “losing your religion”. It is problematic and you should not feel obligated to continue it. Unhealthly romantic relationships will only cause you more harm than good in the long run. The hurt they cause can be long lasting.
So ask yourself this question often. Is it worth losing your religion?
I don’t if you know this, but love shouldn’t hurt. It is so easy to say the words I love you, but it is actually how you treat someone that tells them whether you love them or not. If the person that claims they love you is constantly hurting you, then they do not love you. Love is definitely an action word but it doesn’t include intentionally hurting someone. How often have you found yourself crying because your significant other really hurt you or because they are treating so poorly? After the situation is over, they come back and they tell you that they love you, but they end up hurting you again. Love shouldn’t hurt.
I was in this very situation when I was married. My ex-husband would tell me that he loved me all the time, but he was always hurting me. I used to always tell him that he didn’t love me because he was treating me so poorly. He hated that. He would get so upset and would tell me that I don’t know how he feels inside. He would say that I can’t tell him he doesn’t love me. I have to say that is actions wasn’t lining up with his words and love shouldn’t hurt.
When a person really loves you, they will do whatever it takes not to hurt you. Hurting you is the opposite of that. Don’t just believe the words, “I love you”, but take note of the person’s actions.
I often wonder if people really know what love is. Any time somebody tells me that they love me but their actions do not line up with loving me, I always tell them that love is an action word. When you love somebody, you don’t want to hurt them. You want what is best for them and you want to protect them. So I say, if you are intentionally hurting someone that you claim you love, you must not love them at all.
I am not saying that I have not hurt somebody that I love. What I am saying is, if I did hurt them, it definitely wasn’t intentional. Because I loved them so much, I felt pretty terrible about the fact that I hurt them and I always tried to make it right. I have never tried to hurt somebody because they hurt me. If I did that, wouldn’t that be considered intentionally hurting them? I loved them too much to see them hurt.
I have experienced a significant other trying to cause me hurt because they felt I hurt them. That was their philosopy, “if you do something to me, then I am going to do something to you.” This was just crazy to me. Even if I explained to them that I didn’t mean to hurt them or I didn’t even know I hurt them, they would still retaliate by intentionally hurting me. They claimed, they loved me though. I don’t believe you can really love someone and intentionally hurt them. It just doesn’t make sense to hurt somebody you are suppose to love.
I have learned some things in my life regarding relationships and finding the right person that compliments you. One of my life lessons is accepting that a person is who they are. When a person shows you a side of themselves that is not so flattering, don’t make excuses for their behavior, but understand that the behavior is a part of that person’s personality. You will most likely encounter this same type of behavior over and over again. If the behavior is disturbing in any way, speak up and let you partner know how you feel. If they don’t care about your feelings then they are most likely not the person for you.
You definitely can’t change a person, but they should care enough about you that they don’t want to hurt you or make you feel bad. Accepting someone’s flaws are all fine and good, unless they are hurting you. You should never be in a relationship where you are intentionally or consistently hurt. It is not healthy for you and it is not right for you.