The Freeze Out vs Talking it Out

I personally don’t like it when I am having a disagreement with my partner and they decide to go with the Freeze out method. I am fully aware that time may be needed for each person to calm down and think rationally after a disagreement. However, I don’t agree with freezing out your partner for days and not communicating your feelings. I feel this is very unproductive and only makes things worse. Most men say that they need space and time to think after getting into it with their partner, however most women do not need or want space. They prefer use effective communication to resolve the issue. When you freeze out your partner, it can misinterpreted as you not caring about your significant other’s feeling. The person you are freezing out starts to create narratives in their head that may not necessarily be true. Communication is a key component to a successful relationship, so how can freezing out your partner be an option?

Why did I write “The Match Disaster”

Why did I write my book “The Match Disaster”? I was in a terrible marriage for a number of years and after it finally ended, I honestly didn’t think I would ever get into another relationship again. To my surprise, I found someone that I thought was the love of my life. In the beginning of our relationship he treated me the way I should have been treated by my ex-husband.

As our relationship continued, things began to change between us. I began to realize the relationship I thought was perfect was so imperfect. I began to see that I deserved to be treated way better than this man was treating me. He was treating me better than my ex-husband ever treated me, but he was still treating me poorly at times. When we finally broke up, it inspired me to write a book to inspire others. Often times we settle for a little bit of happiness because of the events that has happened in our lives, however we all deserve to be loved completely and treated with respect.

The goal of this book is to bring to light the subtle ways we can be treated in relationships that is not quite right and to encourage somebody to get out of that type of relationship. Women especially need to know they are worth more than what they are getting in an unhealthly relationship and that they deserve the best out of their partner at all times.

In a time of crisis you think about the ones you love

The whole world is up and arms about the coronavirus and I have to admit I am just as frazzled. When things like this happen you start to think about the ones you love, everyone you love. I recently endured a very difficult break up, but I really loved this person. To be honest, I still love him. With everything going on with the coronavirus, I find myself thinking about him alot. I wonder if he is ok. I wonder if his family is ok. He hurt me terribly, but I still wonder if he is ok, because I love him. I know you may be wondering how that is even possible. How could I still care about somebody who hurt me? When you really love someone, you still care. I won’t reach out to him. I can’t. I don’t ever want to be hurt by him again, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t still care about his well-being.

Should church girls engage in online dating?

I remember growing up hearing that I should find somebody to date that went to one of the many churches that we affiliated with. As a matter of fact, my first boyfriend was from one of the churches we used to visit throughout the years. We lived in two different states, which made it pretty hard to get to know each other, however we talked about getting married all of the time because we found each other within our churches. Needless to say, the relationship did not work out for reasons I won’t discuss at this time.

As I grew up, it became harder and harder to find someone to date in the church. It seemed like everytime a brother would become available, he would get scooped up quickly by one of the other sisters in the church. My home church was mainly family so that was also a problem. I have found that most church girls have experienced the same things. So what do we do? Do we engage in the many, many online dating apps that are out there: Tinder, Match.com, ChristianMingle, etc?

I myself have engaged in online dating. In fact, my last relationship was through a match on Match.com. It seemed like the perfect match. He had most of the qualities I was looking for and his profile stated he was a believer. Eventually this relationship did not work out. As of today, we have been broken up for 4 months. Proverbs 18:22 NKJV states, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from Yahweh (God). So is that what went wrong? I went looking instead of letting this man find me. If we aren’t finding anyone in the churches among us, as women what should we do? Should online dating be an option?

Please feel free to state your opinion in the comment section of this post.

I can’t think straight with the spread of this coronovirus

Don’t get me wrong, I am a woman of faith, but I have never ever lived through anything like this in my 42 years of being on this earth. This is definitely uncharted territory and although I know that if I stay prayed up and prepared, everything will be alright, I have days where this coronovirus has me shaking in my high heel boots.

It really became real when they shut down all the schools in my city. I am now left trying to figure how to work and protect my kids at the same time. I don’t want them to panic, so I have to remain calm and level headed. I have been spending most of my days buying the necessities and praying for better days.

Today I felt so out of sorts that I could barely think to do my work. I kept checking the news outlets, and checking the company emails throughout the day for coronvirus updates. I pressed through the day but my nerves are definitely still on edge.

Communication, Compromise and Trust

Communication, compromise and trust are the three main things you need to have a successful relationship. If you don’t have all three, your relationship will not work. These three things work together in a committed relationship. They complement each other like you should complement your significant other.

You should be able to communicate openly and honestly with your partner. You need to be able to agree to disagree on things and have healthly and honest conversations with each other. If either partner don’t feel comfortable communicating their feelings, the relationship will eventually end in disaster. You don’t want a situation where your partner just shuts down and hides their feelings.

Comprising in a relationship is just as important as communication. Often times a common ground has to be found and it is ok to figure out what works best for both people. The relationship can’t be one sided. It can’t be all about you or all about your significant other.

Without trust in a relationship, your relationship is what I like to call “DOA”. There is no point in continuing a relationship when there is no trust in it. You can have the best communication and comprise often, but if you don’t trust your partner, your relationship will fail. You can’t bring issues from previous relationships into your current relationship and use that as an excuse not to fully trust your partner. Give your partner the trust they deserve, but if you find them untrustworthly, then you should not continue the relationship.

Abuse against women in third world countries is still accepted

I participate in a weekly challenge to create visualizations in Tableau using datasets that are posted on a site called MakeOver Monday. The dataset varies and can be on any subject, including sports and world events. This week the dataset was based on abuse against women in Afganistan. It was amazing to me to see how accepted abuse remains in these countries. It was even more disturbing that women feel that it is normal. Depending on the country, there was actually a higher percentage of women than men that thought this was acceptable behavior by their husbands.

I felt badly that these women do not know their self-worth and that they do not know they do not deserve this type of behavior. Women in the younger age range were the mostly likely demographic to accept this behavior even more, which made sense because they were married very young and don’t know what life could be like without someone treating them so horribly.

I don’t think abuse is acceptable under any circumstances, whether it be physical or verbal abuse. Ladies you not deserve for a man to treat you badly or beat you for any reason. As women we often accept these circumstances because we want love so badly, or we just don’t know how to escape the person who supposed to love us. It is important to find a way out of this type of situation and love yourself more than you love the person that is hurting you.

I don’t call myself a relationship expert but…

I have learned some things in my life regarding relationships and finding the right person that compliments you. One of my life lessons is accepting that a person is who they are. When a person shows you a side of themselves that is not so flattering, don’t make excuses for their behavior, but understand that the behavior is a part of that person’s personality. You will most likely encounter this same type of behavior over and over again. If the behavior is disturbing in any way, speak up and let you partner know how you feel. If they don’t care about your feelings then they are most likely not the person for you.

You definitely can’t change a person, but they should care enough about you that they don’t want to hurt you or make you feel bad. Accepting someone’s flaws are all fine and good, unless they are hurting you. You should never be in a relationship where you are intentionally or consistently hurt. It is not healthy for you and it is not right for you.

Pleasantly surprised

My new book, The Match Disaster, was officially released yesterday. I already received my first sale. It was my boss at my day job. He came down to my office with my book in his hand and asked me to autograph it. He had a very proud look on his face. It really made my day. When I initially told him, I wrote a book and the subject matter, he told me he would buy the book to support me, but he would most likely not read it because it wasn’t the type of book he normally read. But today, he told me he will be spending his weekend reading my book. I am so flattered.

Learning how to say no in your relationship.

When you care about someone it is very hard to say no in your relationship. You find yourself allowing things to happen that you don’t necessarily agree with. You should feel comfortable enough in your relationship to tell your partner how you really feel. If you can’t express yourself to your partner with honesty and without feeling guilty then you are in the wrong relationship.