Recognizing when your partner has commitment issues

There are often signs right in front of us that the person we are dating have commitment issues. Their actions and the things they say are usually key indicators that are right in front of us. If you are not paying attention or being careful these signs are easily missed. I always like to speak about my experiences when writing these blogs. I was dating someone for a few years and I believe they have commitment issues. We would always have conversations about the future, but not in the way you would think. This person would ask me what my future boyfriend would be like or talk about us breaking up. This would annoy me, because I really liked this person. I even grew to love them. I had no intentions of breaking up with them. I wanted them to be in my life forever. This was a constant thing. He would give me examples of guys that could be right for me and ask me my opinion about them. I expressed to him that I only wanted to be with him, so I didn’t want to discuss future relationships, but this behavior continued throughout the relationship. I now know that this was a key indicator that this person had commitment issues. Instead of dealing with their issues head on they would try to passively suggest that I date somebody else. I didn’t want to accept this, so I pretended that this person was just joking around when these conversations came up. But the truth of the matter was that these conversations made me feel really uncomfortable and in the end the relationship did not work out. I feel like my partner intentionally sabotaged the relationship because of his fear of commitment. Watch out for the signs of commitment issues early on in your relationship, so you don’t waste your precious time on somebody who will never fully commit to you.

Let me work on me!

It is important to be self aware. I have written quite a few blogs about relationships and the things that went wrong in my relationships. Most of my blogs have focused on the things that my significant other was doing that was hurtful or unappealing. There is one thing that I learned throughout the year. You can’t fix anybody, but you can fix yourself. It is important to perform a self examination on yourself, if you are attracting the wrong person. Take action on the things that you find out about that can be hindering you from having a healthy relationship. Once you fix yourself, you will attract the right partner for you. You won’t accept behaviors that you would have accepted before. You will have the confidence to know that you are worthy of a great relationship and a partner who loves all of you. You will be able to build a healthy and long lasting relationship.

How did I miss these red flags?

I recently read an article that listed 8 red flags that you should watch out for when you start dating someone.

  1. You justify their bad behavior
  2. They don’t talk through issues
  3. They’re constantly testing your boundaries
  4. They have a massive sense of entitlement
  5. Something in your gut feels wrong
  6. Everything is about them
  7. They are overly critical about their previous partners
  8. You are constantly denied, criticized or dismissed by them

I have experienced at least 5 of these 8 things. I can’t believe that I missed these red flags. I think some times these things are subtle or they start happening slowly, so we just make excuses for them. Over time these things just keep happening over and over again. You began to get used to the way the person is treating you. It becomes the norm, but there treatment is still wrong. I wish I would have came across this article before I started my last relationship. I definitely would have been able to recognize that his behavior towards me was wrong a lot sooner. Now that I have this list, I will definitely be more aware the next time around.

First date question: What type of relationship are you interested?

Some people might think that asking the following question is too forward to ask on the first date: “What type of relationship are you interested?” However, I disagree. I think it is better to find out as soon as possible, whether you are on the same page, with a potential love interest. There is no need to waste precious time if you are not on the same page. It can become pretty awkward, after dating someone for a few weeks, with the intentions of having a serious relationship, only to find out they only want to date casually. You could end up dating a person for a few years before you find out that you want to get married, but they don’t believe in marriage. I think it is best to get this question out of the way, right away. Hopefully, they will be honest with you and not waste your time. I have had that experience as well. I was dating a guy who said he wanted to be in a serious relationship, which seemed true. He even talked about marriage. We seemed like we were on the same page. One day out of the blue we were discussing marriage and he was speaking negatively about it. I still believe in marriage, even though I have been divorced, so I was defending it. All of sudden he blurts out that he doesn’t think he wants to ever get married. We were already in a relationship for 3 years when he decided to share this with me. I was devastated. At that moment, I wished he would have told me that he didn’t want to get married when we first met. I wouldn’t have wasted my time and invested so much into that relationship. The sad part was I remained in that relationship for 2 more years. I tried to convince myself that I didn’t want to get married again. I could deal with our current level of commitment. I was fooling myself, I definitely wanted more.

Have you ever heard of fleabagging?

I saw an article about this the other day. I immediately asked myself, “What in the world is fleabagging?” According to Carolyn Steber who writes for HelloGiggles, “fleabagging is when you keep dating the same types of people over and over again, even though they’re bad for you. You never quite learn from past mistakes or take a different approach to find love but keep hoping for the best, only to be let disappointed time and time again.” I bet this sounds familiar to a lot of us. How often have you questioned, how you ended up in the same type of bad relationship again? In my opinion, it is probably not something that is done intentionally. I know that my desire is to be in a relationship with someone who is going to treat me the way I deserve to be treated. After my last relationship, I realized that I was dating people with the same bad traits. It was like they were being drawn to me. That’s when I realized the problem is not with them, they are who they are. The problem was actually me. I decided that I would not enter into another serious relationship, until I took out time to figure out what it is about me that is drawing the wrong partner to me. I knew that I needed to fix myself. I needed to truly love myself. I honestly believe once I do these things, I will end up with the right person. I will break the pesky cycle of fleabagging.

Causes of resentment in relationships

I was reading an article from Cosmopolitan that interviewed multiple women about what things caused resentment in their relationships. One of things that was mentioned that I could relate to is “an unequal showing of effort or concern”. I was recently in a relationship where I felt like I was the only one concerned with the relationship. I would always try to resolve any issues we were having. I would constantly try to make things right. I was taking the blame for any issues that occurred in the relationship. When we had disagreements, this person could go weeks without talking to me, but I would always break the ice. I was always trying to make the relationship work. The relationship came to a point where I would be the one initiating our dates and outings. He acted like he did care if we saw each other or not. He would make other plans when he knew we were supposed to see each other and tell me at the last minute that our plans were canceled. He discarded my feelings. The irony of all of this is that he thought he was putting an enormous effort in our relationship. He often said that he was invested more than I was. His actions definitely wasn’t lining up with his words. I put in 150% percent into our relationship but he did not do the same. As I look back and reflect on this relationship, I do carry some resentment about this person’s lack of concern for me or our relationship.

Most telling question to ask on the first date

Why did your previous relationship end? If the person blames the demise of their previous relationship on the other person, without taking any of the responsibility for the relationship ending, then that is a red flag. There are always 3 sides to every story. There’s the side of each person and the truth is somewhere in the middle. When I started dating after my divorce, I read an article that talked about this scenario. I did end up in a relationship where the person I was dating, blamed his ex for the previous relationship ending. Everything that happened in their relationship was her fault. He told me such a sad story, I felt bad for him. I believed everything he was saying. It wasn’t until I was deeply involved in our relationship that I started to see things about him that caused me to question what really happened in his other relationship. The article came back to mind, but it was already too late. There were certain events that happened in our relationship that made me analyze the stories he told me about his ex. His actions towards me, explained a lot of her actions towards him, especially if he was treating her in the same manner. I came to realize his ex wasn’t the only one who had issues in their relationship. He also had some serious issues that contributed to their relationship not working out. I learned from experience to beware, if you ask the person you are dating what happened in their last relationship and they take no responsibility for what ended it.

Love me, Love me not!

I am learning how to love myself, so that I can find the right person to love me. Over the past years, I have done a lot of self-reflection. I was aware of my insecurities. I acknowledged my personality flaws and put forth an effort to fix them. I always kept my hair done and dressed really nicely. With all of that, there was one still thing that caused me to be insecure and have self doubt. That thing was my smile. Although, my smile bothered me, I only considered doing something about it. I never took the steps to actually improve the one thing that was causing me to have so much low self-esteem. One day, I took my children to the dentist for their annual cleanings. My oldest son was in the chair, while my younger son was sitting next to me. He looks up at me and he asked, “Mommy, why does your teeth look like that?” I was completely stunned and utterly embarrassed. I know kids say the darndest things, but because my teeth were already a big insecurity, I took this thing my child said to heart. My child didn’t mean any harm. He’s just a kid, but the mere fact that he was aware of my teeth, made me take action. I decided to get my teeth fix. I didn’t want this one thing holding me back any longer. This was the beginning of my journey to helping me accomplish my goal of really loving myself. At 40 years old, I got Invisalign braces. People asked me, why I was getting my teeth fixed at this age? I told them, I was doing it for me. I wanted to love my smile as well as the skin I am in. I figured out, you have to love yourself, before anybody else can love you. You should do whatever it takes to make that happen.

My 40th birthday and now!

Low self-esteem leads to accepting anything!

I wrote a book called The Match Disaster and their were events in the book that were inspired by some of the things I went through in relationships. I was asked the following questions by some people who were familiar with my real story. Why did you stay in a relationship that was clearly wrong for you? Why didn’t you know better? I was even told, you are divorced, didn’t you learn anything from your failed marriage? What the people who were asking me the questions didn’t understand was that I technically knew better. I did learn lessons from my failed marriage, but the mental abuse from my marriage was the reason for some of the decisions I made in my relationship. I tried to explain to my inquirers that although, I look put together on the outside, I have some deep scars on the inside. I have no problem admitting that I suffer from low self-esteem. It is something that I am definitely working on while I am single, but I have struggled with my self-esteem for a very long time. I know I am smart, driven, and successful in my career, but I doubted other things about myself. I felt like it was unlikely that I would be considered the pretty one. I didn’t see anything special about myself. I lacked self-confidence, so when a guy showed what seemed like genuine interest in me, I fell for him hard. Throughout the relationship, I felt honored that he chose to be with somebody like me. I felt like I didn’t deserve him, which led to me allowing him to treat me poorly. I knew that he wasn’t treating well, but I felt like it was a privilege for me to be with somebody like him. Now that I am completely free from this relationship, I have been doing a lot of self-reflection. I am confident that low self-esteem leads to you accepting anything in your relationship. We have to learn to love ourselves first, so we can obtain the love we deserve.