I was reading this article on elitedaily.com by Candice Jalili. It had 12 tips that will help you have a good relationship. I want to blog about a few of these. The first tip is you must communicate. I totally agree with this point. You must be able to communicate in a healthy and productive way. The communication in a relationship can’t be one-sided and it has to be done in a way that is effective. When people asked my parents, how they sustained their marriage, they stated the second tip, never stop dating each other. Continuing to treat your partner like you did when you were courting them, keeps the spark in the relationship. It makes them feel special and wanted. The third tip is recommit yourself to your partner daily. Make sure you are consistently taking out time for your partner. You need to listen to their concerns, desires and needs. Have fun with them and try new challenges together. This one is an important one. Know how to fight without feeling attacked. It is actually healthier to disagree with your partner than to agree with them all the time. You are two different people, but you need strategies in place to handle your disagreements in a healthy way. This goes hand and hand with knowing how to communicate. The last one that I want to talk about is finding someone that you are compatible with. Oftentimes we get into relationships for the wrong reasons. You can be physically attracted to someone but not be compatible with them in all of the other areas in your relationship. Physical attraction is not enough to sustain a relationship.
I refer to my mother in my blogs often, but tonight I want to talk about my father. I am definitely a daddy’s girl, but unfortunately my father passed away when I was 14 years old. He was only 49. It was one of the most devastating things that happened in my life. My father was definitely a great husband to my mother and an awesome father to his children. He was a great example of how a man should treat a woman. He was a provider, protector, a man of character and a great friend. He gave the greatest advice and he always encouraged me to follow my dreams. He taught me not to give up. I didn’t not end up with a man like my father, but it wasn’t because I didn’t have a great example of how I should be treated. I know that I lost my father too soon. I always think about how my life would have turned out if my father would not have died at such a young age. He was so easy to talk to and everybody loved him. I wish he could have been around to grill the men that came in my life. He would have been able to help me weed out the duds. It would have been nice to have him walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I am 42 years old and I still miss him so much. I will forever be a daddy’s girl and he will forever be in my heart.
Most people who know me, think I am fearless. I have overcome a lot of things and I definitely put on a hard exterior. The truth is I am also afraid of a lot of things. I realize that I have to overcome my fears. I can’t let my fears take over me. I can’t let my fears keep me from doing the things in life that will make a difference.
I recently wrote a book, that is fictional, however it was inspired by some things that I experienced in my life. I have to be honest, although I wrote this book, believing it can help someone, I was afraid to release it. I wondered what people who know me and read the book would think about me. I feared judgement. I feared ridicule. I soon realized that I shouldn’t be worried about those things. If the book that I wrote could help one person, if it could change one woman’s life, if it could open up one suffering person’s eyes, my book has served it’s purpose.
I am on a mission to help women through my writing. I can no longer fear the thoughts and perception of others. I can’t let my fears stop my purpose.
I went to a virtual Women’s Conference this week and it really helped me to do some self-reflection. I was always the person that was trying to help others, especially in their relationships. I was always telling my friends and family members that they deserved better when it came to who they were in relationships with. I grew up in a household with two parents who loved each other fiercely, but all around me I saw broken relationships. I saw close friends and family members getting physically and emotionally abused. That did something to me. I didn’t like it at all. I would encourage people in my circle to get out of these situations. I couldn’t understand why they remained with people who treated them poorly. I was often frustrated because they didn’t take my advice, but then I became one of them. I found myself in relationships that were also unhealthy. I didn’t realize how bad the relationships were at first. I now had people in my life telling me to leave these relationships or I was busy hiding the pain so I wouldn’t have to hear their opinions. I found it hard to free myself from such dysfunction that I had grown accustomed to. It was so easy for me to tell others to get out of relationships that were not healthy for them, yet I remained in unhealthy relationships myself. This taught me a valuable lesson. It is better to support and encourage those who need my help realizing that they are in a bad situation. When they are ready to make a move I will be there, because I now know it is “easier said than done”.
I used to believe I needed closure in order to get over a relationship, but I no longer believe this. I always wanted to know what happened. I would ask myself questions, like what did I do to cause this relationship to end? What could I have done better? I would reach out to the person to get closure. Now I know it is a bad idea to reach out to any ex to get closure. That very act opens up the door for you to get back together and continue the unhealthy relationship. If you would have never tried to get closure then you would have been free from something that wasn’t good for you sooner. I learned that if I took the time to stop and think about it, I already had the answer I was desperately seeking. Often times a person’s actions will give you the answer. It becomes apparent that you are not the right one for them and they are not the right one for you. Instead of seeking closure, just completely let go of the relationship. It was unhealthy. It wasn’t what you deserved. It was hurting you. What more information do you need from the person that was hurting you? Just move on and be free of a bad situation.
Self-confidence is very important but it is no small feat. I grew up in a home where my parents treated everyone of their children with love. They encouraged and supported us in all of our endeavors. They didn’t show favoritism. We grew up knowing that they were proud of us. Even with all of that, I still ended up having to work daily on my self-confidence. I had the foundation, but I felt insecure about differences that I had compared to the other children. I had a darker complexion than the other three children. My parents taught us that all skin colors were beautiful but I knew that other people didn’t think that was the case. In school all of the lighter skinned girls got all of the attention. I had grown-ups associated with our family, refer to me as the little dark one. This made me feel like my darker skin was a bad thing. I would tell people that I am cute, but my sister is the pretty one because she had lighter skin. These things were in the back of my mind as I grew older and then other insecurities started to surface. I only grew to be 5’1, so now not only was I darker than everyone else in my family, but I was also short. My teeth began to get crooked, so now I was ashamed of my once beautiful smile. I walked around feeling bad about myself and that was hindering me in my every day life. I realized that I needed to be confident in who I was no matter what. I had to appreciate and love the skin I was I in. I had to accept the fact that I was short and use it to my advantage. I also realized, I could fix my smile. So I did. I can now honestly say that I have confidence. I love who I am. I don’t worry if people accept me or not. Those who should be in my life, will accept me and those who don’t accept me, won’t be in my life. So my advice is to always be confident in who your are. Love yourself no matter what. Accept your flaws, even if you can’t change them. Once you do this, you will attract the right people in your life and the right doors with open up for you.
Today is Mother’s Day. I am mother, but this day is not a happy day for me, because I lost my own mother. She was only 60 years old when she succumbed to her battle with breast cancer. I tried my best to show her that I loved her and cherished her every day that she was on this earth with me. My mother was my best friend. I knew that if I didn’t have anybody else in my corner, she was there. I miss her every day, but on days like today it is especially hard. I wish I could see her one more time. I wish I could give her one last hug and one last kiss. She truly meant the world to me. So, cherish your mother every day that they are still on this earth. Don’t let Mother’s day be the only day that your mother knows that you care. When they are gone they can’t be replaced and you can never get back any time that you lost. Once that time comes it wouldn’t matter how many posts you put on Facebook. They will never see them. Cherish your mother while you still can, you won’t regret it.
I saw this question on Facebook yesterday. The scenario is you are married to somebody else, but you have children with someone from a past relationship. Is it ok to purchase that person a gift for Mother’s Day? In my opinion there is nothing wrong with you buying your ex a gift for Mother’s Day but it depends on the age of your children. I think it is perfectly ok, if you are buying it on behalf of your children when they are underage. However, motives do need to be taken into account here as well as how the receiving party will interpret this action. The type of gift is also a factor. It probably shouldn’t be anything to grand, which could lead to a misinterpretation of the gift. Also, the person you are married to should be taken into consideration. How will this make them feel? You should definitely be very transparent with your current spouse about the fact that you are giving you ex a gift for Mother’s day. Sometimes innocent actions can cause big problems. I always say, “Just because something is a good idea, doesn’t mean it is the right thing to do.”
Can two people with different personalities have a successful relationship? I think it is possible but it really depends on the differences of these individuals and if they are willing to accept each other’s differences. In relationships, different personality traits can complement each other. I have found that sometimes the differences can cause problems in your relationship. For example, if you are a generally positive person and your partner is super negative. I was in a relationship where I felt like my partner always put a negative twist on every situation, no matter how good the situation was. I tried to deal with it but, after a while it really started to wear on me. I have always been a half glass full type of girl, but this guy was a half empty type of guy. I would try to encourage him not to immediately think negative about situations and a person’s intentions, but that was just who he was. This quality started to break down our relationship. I began to shy away from telling him about anything positive in my life because I knew he would make negative comments and put a damper on my happy moment. If I told him about a major accomplishment, he would make it seem minimal. In a relationship, you need someone who supports you and you need someone with a personality that complements your personality. In summary, having someone with a different personality than yours can work, but it depends on the personality.
I was reading this article the other day about people reaching out to their ex’s during this pandemic. The article was discussing whether it is a good idea or not, so I thought I would voice my opinion on this topic. My personal opinion is that it is a bad idea to reach out to your ex during this pandemic. Everybody is in a vulnerable state during these stressful times. There is a saying that states, “the person is your ex for a reason.” You really need to remember what the reasons were behind you and your ex breaking up in the first place. The core reasons for you splitting up have not changed just because the world is in turmoil. Once the pandemic calms down and you have a sense of normalcy again, those reasons will resurface. Even if you just want to have somebody to talk to and you have no intentions of rekindling the relationship, you could be sending the wrong message to your ex. I have found that when people break up there is always one person who still has feeling for the other one. Your ex will most likely miscontrue your intentions and you will find yourself in a big mess. This pandemic can be very lonely at times, but it is definitely not the right time to rekindle an old flame. Nobody is thinking clearly or rationally and that only leads to disaster. Resist the urge to reconnect with your ex during this time, by starting a new project or learning a new hobby. You won’t regret it.