I had no idea that I was most likely in a toxic relationship with a narcissist until after I released my book The Match Disaster. My main character had a lot of the characteristics of someone I was dating. It wasn’t until I received a review declaring the main character in my book a narcissist that I started to analyze whether the person I was dating really had narcissistic tendencies. I mean I wouldn’t even have considered this person to be anything close to a narcissist when I was dating him. In case you are wondering if you are dating a narcissist below are some of their characteristics:
Superiority and Entitlement – the need to be the best, the need to always be right, the need to do everything their way
The need for attention
Perfectionism – everything has to be perfect or done perfectly
Need for Control
Lack of responsibility – Blaming or deflecting – when things don’t go their way they blame others
Lack of boundaries – they don’t like to be told no
Lack of empathy – they have a hard time understanding other’s feelings. They are unapologetic, never remorseful and never feel guilty.
Perceiving everything as a threat
Emotional reasoning – when you try to explain to them how they hurt you, they don’t understand, they are only aware of their thoughts and feelings
Splitting – they only see things as good and bad. There is no in between.
Fear of rejection and ridicule
Anxiety – they deflect their feelings of anxiety on you by accusing you of being unsupportive, not putting them first and being selfish
Inability to be truly vulnerable
Inability to communicate and work as part of a team
After looking at all of these qualities, I can honestly say my ex definitely had quite a few narcissistic tendencies. Now I have a better understanding of some of the events that happened in our relationships and why I couldn’t seem to get through to him, when I was hurt or feeling rejected. He was never going to get it, because his personality didn’t allow it.
The reference article for the narcissistic qualities is called 15 Signs You’re Dealing With A Narcissist by By Margalis Fjelstad, Ph.D., LMFT.